I’ll be the wife

Jason: I say dear, be a dear and pop the kettle on for me please
Susan: I can be of service to you sir.
Jason: Absolutely Brilliant (pause) And ever so, ever so kindly, can you cut me a piece of that delicious bread?

She fills the kettle with water but forgets to turn the stove on. She cuts a chunk of bread off the end of the baguette but leaves it on the worktop. The cockroaches soon scatter around the bread.
 
Susan: Do you like my top hat? I showed it to the horse outside but I don’t think he’s interested.
Jason: It’s okay.
Susan: Yeah? You like it?
Jason: I didn’t say that, it’s too small for you (long pause). Where is my bread? And tea?
Susan: I gave it to you.
Jason: Oh yeah, I must’ve eaten it already.
The bread is being devoured by the cockroaches.
You know the walls need repairing. I told you to bring up some more mud.
Susan: It’s not my turn. You’re so lazy.
Jason reaches out to grab her bum as she walks past the kitchen table.
Susan: Hey!
Jason: You love it! Laughing
Susan: No! Getting angry.

Susan sits down on the rocking chair. Places her hands on her knees. Humming a soft tune and rocking gently. Jason climbs up onto the table and lies down on his back looking up at the spiderwebs on the ceiling.
 
Jason: Time to go to work soon. Yes? For the both of us?
Susan: I have no idea, where do we work?
Jason: We have jobs.
Susan: Since when? (Getting excited, rocking back and forth more energetically)
Jason: Since we got old and learnt how to draw.
Susan: Oh how exciting my dear. And what do we do?
Jason: I got a great job as an Engineer.
Susan: Oh wow, nice.
Jason: Well, I’m more of a car mechanic.
Susan: That’s good. And me? What do I do?
Jason: Well, I guess I’m more of a handy man. Fixing people’s clocks and changing tyres. You know that type of thing.
Susan: Okay, sounds interesting. But what about me?
Jason: What do you wanna do?
Susan: Hmm (pauses. Getting excited, clapping and rubbing her hands together). Oh, I know. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Three kids.
Jason: No. You can’t do that.
Susan: Oh, oh okay. Well I guess, I’ll be a cake baker. Oh, but make bread as well.
Jason: Yeah, that’s a good one. And, you could have a shop in the village.
Susan: Or a little cart. And deliver to people at home, or out in the fields when they work their farms.
Jason: Cakes for lunch. Very nice.
Susan: Ooo exciting. I’m excited to start work.
Jason: Yeah, working is fun. I think.
Susan: But we’ll be very tired. We’ll need a packed lunch every day.
Jason: What time will you get up?
Susan: I think I’ll have to get up really early. Bakers work a lot.
Jason: How many cakes will you make?
Susan: Erm, three I think.
Jason: I think you have to make more than that.
Susan: Oh yeah? Okay then.
Jason: I need a fancy uniform. So people know what I am.
Susan: Yes! And a badge!

Jason sits up on the table, draws with his finger an imaginary plan on the table. Whispering to himself.
 
Susan: I want to make a really special cake. With chocolate all over. And it’ll be really tall like a tank. And it’ll have a river of crisps flowing out of it. Out of the spout thing.
Jason: (Turning round to listen, laughs) you can’t have crisps coming out of a cake.
Susan: (Getting upset) But why not? It’s my cake.
Jason: Because that’s stupid. (Pauses) I want tea! Make me some tea..Erm..Please? You are my maid you know (Laughs)
Susan: I’m not making you tea. And you’re not having any of my amazing cake.
Jason: Your cake sounds stupid anyway.
Susan: (Goes over to watch the cat playing with a beetle on the kitchen floor) She’s so stupid.
Jason: She’s only playing.
Susan: I’m bored.
Jason: Go and play with the cat then. I’m doing something really important.
Susan: What?
Jason: I’m not telling you. Well, erm, it’s not ready yet.
Susan: Will you show me when you’re done?
Jason: Yes, Now go away I’m trying to concentrate.
Susan: (Stroking and patting the cat) her body is so squishy. (Patting harder and harder) Ahahaha! (The cat lets out an annoyed cry) Sshh pretty one or you won’t get any dinner. I think she loves me.
Jason: I think she hates you.
Susan: You don’t know. (Whispering to the cat but loud enough to be heard) You know little baby you’ve been very bad today. You have to spend time in the stinky poo bin. But don’t worry it’s a good place for you. But it smells really bad.
Jason: (Wrapped up in his own thoughts, still planning his ideas, hasn’t heard anything she is saying) Oh my god, this is sooo good.
Susan: But don’t worry. You will never ever be bad again after that. You’ll be a perfect kitty. (She tries to pick the cat up roughly and quickly, but the cat scratches her and jumps away out of the kitchen) Owyy! That really hurt you little craphead. You are definitely getting no food now.
Jason: (Turns his attention to her, laughing) Ahaha she scratched you.
Susan: (Upset and angry) Stop it! Sod you both. (She sits back down on the rocking chair and rocks back and forth. She slowly starts to bang her head on the back of the chair) Ummm Aaahh crazy like a chicken. With his head off. I wanna spin around and around. Ummm Aaahh . Cut my head off like a crazy chicken.
Jason: What are you saying? You’re stupid. You’re distracting me. You’re distracting my important plans.
Susan: (Rocking back and forth, banging her head harder and harder on the chair) Umm now. Now what is to happen? The baby needs to sleep. She won’t stop crying. I think she wants more milk. You should give her some.
Jason: What baby? Oh the baby. Don’t be silly it’s the mum who gives the milk. You have to make the milk.
Susan: I don’t know how.
Jason: It comes from your boobies (Laughing).
Susan: (Laughing) my boobies? But where?
Jason: I don’t know where. But it has to be you.
Susan: It can be you too. If you want?
Jason: No, you’re not listening to me. It has to be you and only you.
Susan: But I don’t know how.
Jason: I don’t know how (thinks for a moment) Anyway, you’re distracting me. Again. I can’t think about my important business. And now I can’t remember.
Susan: Would you like a massage? (Stops rocking and attempts to get up).
Jason: No, no… No I said. Leave me alone, okay?
Susan: Be nice to me. You’re always mean.
Jason: You ask for it. You know. Always asking questions. Always troubling me. I can’t cope with your moaning.
Susan: I just want to play.
Jason: I know you do baby but I have to work. How about some more tea?
Susan: Okay then.