Down to the rocks

They sat together on the rocks watching the sun on the waves. Both staring out. Silent for ages. She couldn’t stop thinking about tomorrow. And him. She stared at him and knew, she knew he wasn’t thinking about her. Almost waiting for her to go. He checked his phone, and then leaned back resting his head on his dirty t-shirt. His eyes closed. She was restless and bored.

“Maybe he’ll change his mind”, she thought. “I don’t want him to follow me; I just want him to want to follow me, and miss me”.

She stood up and dropped down to the smaller rocks below. He didn’t stir.
The sun was going down and she knew it would be time to go and pack very soon.

She jumped down even further to the second and third set of rocks. Soon she was in a spot she knew he couldn’t see her. She couldn’t see him.
“Knowing that I’m vulnerable might make him want to keep me” she thought. “Soon he’ll come and look for me. So I’ll just wait”.

She waited. And waited. And started to really relax. She lay down completely still. Trying to keep her eyes closed. And, almost meditating, she tried to think of nothing else but her breathing. Concentrating, she started to control the rhythm of her breathing. Like floating. She felt amazing. Not vulnerable. The only sound; the water below. The wind would catch on her clothes and blow up her shorts and t-shirt, a wave of gentle tickling, kissing her skin. The fine hairs on her arms gently caressed. Lying completely still, eyes closed. Fragile on the rocks, close to the edge. She’s always had an awful sense of balance, “I’ll probably fall here” she thought, “completely relaxed. I think I am. Meditating, and then fall”. She smiled and felt her body weighed down, an aching feeling ran through her legs, into her arms and sat on her chest. She felt her deep breathing quicken, she couldn’t keep up. She opened her eyes and stared at the stars. Holding her breath, slowly, slowly slowing down. And letting out a deep, loud “Aaaaooooggghhhh” “Aaaaoooogghhh”. The noise of the sea was too loud for her to be heard.

There was no sign of him and she started to forget, the longing, the desire to feel wanted. The loneliness.

It was cold, very cold now and dark but she was too rested to move, it was amazing lying there. On the rocks. At sea. She felt as if she could fall off the edge of this slippery rock, yes it would hurt for a bit but the water would take her down. And then, euphoria, right? It couldn’t last forever but she was kidding herself that he was anything to her. She was nothing to him. She cared too much. For a short while.
“I wanted him to come and find me” she thought, “Like in a film. Even a crap film. They always go. She waited. “I’ll find another way back and then I’ll never have to see him again. Maybe I will leave as this mysterious woman. He thought I was so predictable”.
But she searched for another route back. There was no opening to climb up to. She started to panic. The rocks were slippery.
“Oh if I have to stay here I will”. It was dark. “If I fall could I jump and swim back another way?” she thought. “No-one knows I’m here. He’s lost all respect for me”.
The panic set in to rigid her to the spot. She crouched down carefully and stared up at the thick darkened sky.
“It’s just typical that I’m stranded”.
She felt completely numb. Didn’t know what to do. She lay down again on her back and waited for herself to make a decision.
“Or, some act of god would make it for me”
She picked her lip and bit her nails. And waited.
“I need to know what it feels like to be alone. Truly alone. And, like it” she thought.
The longer she waited on this rock. Next to the sea. In the dark. The safer she felt. The fear subsided. So she lay with her eyes closed and imagined herself making the right decision.